We’ve been spending a lot of time together, and I just wanted to start by saying thank you. Thank you for making me feel special, and like I’m the only girl in the room when you look at me. I have never felt this way with any other guy and for that, I must be grateful. It seems that you’re perfect; perfect for me, perfect in general. You hold my hand in the car, tell me that I’m pretty when I’m hating on my looks, and most importantly, you make me laugh. Getting to see you is the highlight of a usually boring day, even if we only get to grab a quick lunch in between my classes, but I still enjoy every second. I like hanging out with you. I like that you embarrass me in public and tell everyone you’re married. I like forgetting that there are people around when I talk to you. I like almost everything about you, except that you aren’t all mine. Selfish, I know but I guess it’s a compliment. I want people to know.
I also wanted to say that I realize you’re not my boyfriend. When I think about you hanging out with other girls the inside of my stomach turns and I can’t stand it. When we don’t talk for a day or two my mind starts racing and I think that you’re going to start ignoring me any day and I will once again be without you. It’s not so much that I can’t be without you, because I can. But now that I’ve gotten to know you, I think my world is a little brighter and I don’t want to be without you. The fact that this not relationship isn’t defined kills me and the selfish part of me want you all to myself. I know you’ve told me that if it happens with me you will be open to it, but how do I know? Being with someone who is “afraid of relationships” because of something that happened in the past is hard, but I have some bruises from the past too. I still find it hard you trust you because of things that you didn’t even do, and for that I am sorry. I’d like us to trust each other and be in the same place, but my biggest fear is that will never happen. My biggest hope is that someday we will both get over whatever these feelings are and can trust… hopefully trust each other. Thinking about losing someone that makes me laugh and feel so good about myself is hard, but it’s the reality I face because… you’re not my boyfriend. While dating you is fun and exciting, it’s not a guarantee and I can’t lie, that scares me. I’m hoping for the best and that you find that there’s no place else you need to look, but I understand if things don’t work out in the future. I’ll cry.. a lot. and I probably won’t get out of bed for a few days, but I’ll be okay. I try to think positively though, because the way you treat me is like nothing I’ve ever had before and I’m so glad that you see things in me that I don’t see in myself.
But if the day comes and it’s not longer me you want, I hope you can find this trust with a nice, funny girl, who will get your humor and try not to laugh when you convince strangers that you’re married and trying to take her home too. I hope that someday you are no longer my “not boyfriend” and I can call you my best friend.