To the boy that didn’t get away, but ran away

From the moment I met you I knew you were someone I wanted to know more about and spend more time with. When Sean made you ask me for my number I could instantly tell you were as awkward as me and I loved that about you and I loved that you asked too. What really got me was the text you sent after leaving my house that same night telling me that you were pleased to meet me and that we should hang out again. It didn’t take too long before we were texting everyday and I was falling for you, hard. I’d drop your name every chance I got when I was with my friends and you really seemed to be into me too, cause driving 30 minutes to a bar you can only stay at for one drink doesn’t scream “you’re annoying” to me. You also texted me that night right after you left to tell me I was “too pretty” and that really made me feel like you cared. Then came the ugly sweater party and obviously you showed up to see me why else would you go to a college party? We ended up kissing for the first time after every one left and I’ve never felt something so right on my life. Shortly after that I was leaving for the holidays and we got lunch of course and I wanted to see you every day that week but you were too busy. Slowly we stopped talking every day and then we stopped talking at all. After my birthday there was little to no conversations and I slowly stopped trying. Only when I least expect it do you text and snap chat me. Just when I think I can forget someone who once was so sweet and someone I thought could turn into a boyfriend somewhere down the road. You make me laugh and smile and you give me the butterflies for no good reason. But somewhere along the lines you decided that I wasn’t worth the effort anymore. And maybe you realized we’d be separated by 2 hours after I graduated and didn’t want to get attached, but you didn’t consider that I kinda already was. I liked you. When I look back on the time we talked, I can’t put my finger on one specific thing I did to make you leave. I can’t think of anything about our conversations that would have scared you off. You didn’t get away from me, you ran away from me and just when I least expect it, you jog back to see my reaction. I’ll tell you that if you ever wanted to meet up, I’d do it because I think the connection we had was natural and real and I haven’t found that in many other guys. I do hope some day you find someone you can stop running for, even if I wasn’t given a fair shot at that chance. 

Why are you single?

I constantly have people ask me why I’m single. Not only just people, but men. A guy will ask “you’re smart, funny and attractive, so why are you single?” The problem is… I have no clue why. In my own eyes, I am smart and I have been told by almost everyone I’ve ever come into contact with that I’m funny as well and I never seem to have a problem with keeping and being around my guy friends. I personally like to be around guys almost more than I like to be around my girl friends because guys are just much simpler and laid back sometimes. For some reason though, when I’m flirting with a guy it never lasts longer than a few months max. They’ll tell me nice things, and show up once or twice to hang out and meet my friends, and then all of a sudden they’re gone with no explanation. I have never had an honest to goodness relationship before so I couldn’t tell you what type of girlfriend I am, but I can tell you what kind of girl I am, and what kind of girlfriend I would be. I’m laid back and it takes a lot to make me mad most of the time. I don’t pick fights to start drama, or follow you to the bar to make sure it actually is a “guy’s night”. All I really want from a guy is a best friend. I want a guy to be there for me and share all of his secrets with me and listen to what I have to say at the end of the day and hold my hand through it. When I see my friend’s relationships, I’m not jealous that they have someone and I don’t and I’m happy for them, but I just want what some of them have. I want to know why guys can ask me over and over why I’m single because I’m great and this and that, but not one guy that I’ve talked to and showed an interest in sticks around long enough to find out that I’m a good person and worth their time. I get written off over and over and I don’t know why. I don’t understand how someone can go from telling you how beautiful you are one day and texting you just to say hi for a month straight, and then all of a sudden they’ve lost interest and you are no longer someone they care to go out of their way for. So this, ladies and especially gentlemen… is why I’m single and probably why I’ll be single for the foreseeable future.

Best thing I never had

Hey everyone! It’s been so long and I’ve been trying to come up with some interesting ideas to talk about for you. This post is more of a personal venting one, so bare with me until I can get my creative juices flowing. I’ve written about my friend Dave in the past who I used to hook up with last year. And he has a girlfriend, which I’ve also written about, and I’m friends with her and she’s a really nice girl. Sunday night I went with a friend to this small bar near my college because she sings and plays guitar with some friends in a small group, so I went because my roommates were home for the weekend. Dave was there with his girlfriend and we were chatting about all of our senior events that we have coming up and buying dresses for senior formal… ya know, casual. He came up to the table and actually mouthed at me “she can’t know, she likes you guys.” That hurt me so much because even though he’s keeping it a secret from his girlfriend that we have a past, I have been respectful of his wishes and haven’t said a word. My main issue with it is, when we’re around each other when he’s drinking he’ll spend the whole night talking about how he still has feelings for me and all this other stuff. So again, I’m left feeling like the second or third best because he told me over and over that he didn’t want a relationship and now he’s in one. Even though he’s said he doesn’t want one, it still leaves me thinking “it could have been me.” At this point, I’m glad it’s not because of the things he’s done to her concerning me…

And I also was talking to (flirting with, texting, obsessing over) this guy Nate who my friend Sean introduced me to before Thanksgiving and before I went home for Winter Break we were talking almost every day. Now that I’m back he hasn’t texted me or made an effort to see me once, and I keep asking to make plans. I stopped reaching out to him because I was hoping he’d realize I was missing and make an effort to see me (NOPE.). I can’t stop thinking about him because he made me laugh and I really liked being around him and now I’m wondering if I did something wrong, or if there’s another girl he likes better and he doesn’t want to admit it. Either way, it’s shitty and I really wish I could get over it but I’m the type of person that dwells on these things until I get a definitive answer which I plan to do this weekend so I can finally get over him. He told me he would like to see me when I asked but never followed up and made comments about us not seeing each other when I said happy birthday so the signals are definitely mixed here. Which definitely makes for an interesting Valentines Day weekend… ha ha! Had to just get that mini rant off my chest, I promise I’ll have something better to say next time… Until then xoxox happy Valentines Day


Since yesterday was Thanksgiving, I was doing some thinking about the people and things I’m thankful for this year even though I’m thankful everyday. First of all, I’m thankful for my parents and all of their support through my life. They have always been the most supportive people I know and they just want me to do the best I can do and be happy with the choices I make and the directions I go and that’s all I can ask. I’m happy they continue to support me every now and then when it comes to being away at school and not being able to afford everything on my own, because it’s such a generous thing for them to do for me even when I live on my own at school. I’m also happy for their good health, because last year we found out my mom had breast cancer and she has beat it, and also spent time in the hospital this summer and had surgery on her colon and I’m grateful that today she is doing well and her health seems to be in a better spot now. I could also not be thankful enough for my friends because they are the best I could ask for. Most of my friends from home have been my friend since elementary and middle school and that in itself is something to be happy about, but I am also happy that my friendships with them today are still strong and we always pick up where we left off, even if I don’t talk to them for days or weeks at a time. My friends I have made away at school are also the best because I have gotten so close to them since last year when I had a bad experience with roommate drama and they gave me a place to go when I felt uncomfortable being in my own house. I have also made so many new friendships within the last year with people I now call some of my best friends. The friends I have from my freshman year of college are still some of the best friends I have made during my college career and I’m so happy I have kept in touch with them despite what happened with my roommates last year. This time of the year I especially like to stop and think about the things I have in my life to be happy about because this is when people start asking for gifts and forgetting what’s important, myself included. Not only that, but it’s a good time to reflect on the year I have had, and I think so far 2014 may have been one of the best years of my life, despite all of the drama I went through last semester, it taught me important lessons about life and friendships and how to be a more positive person. I hope going in to 2015 is just as successful, and I wish everyone a happy holiday and an even happier new year. Feel free to tell me what you’re thankful for! <3


Since I’ve decided to focus my energy on things other than men I’m going to try to read more while I’m here at school. Here is my list of books I’d like to read. Comment with books you’ve read or that are on your list so I can add to mine :)

  • Are you there vodka, it’s me Chelsea- Chelsea Handler
  • Chelsea Handler- Uganda be kidding me
  • Bossy pants -Tina Fey
  • Beautiful Ruins- Jess Walter
  • Then came you -Jennifer Weiner
  • My week with Marilyn
  • 50 Shades (second and third books)
  • An astronauts guide to life on earth
  • Cassidy Lane – Maria Murnane
  • Angel – Mary Kingsley
  • Brooklyn- Colm Toibin
  • The light between oceans- M.L Stedman
  • Where’d you go, Bernadette? -Maria Semple
  • Nineteen minutes- Jodi Picoult
  • Leaving time- Jodi Picoult
  • Goldfinch- Donna Tartt

Creepy guys

I’ve personally had my share of creepy/ strange gentlemen callers in my day with very little to be said about the type of guy that shows affection in a normal way. Most of the time when someone “likes” me they are really pretending to see how long it takes them to get in my pants before they have to stop being nice to me. With that being said, I’ve had this guy Ben texting me for the last three weeks or so since we sat next to each other at the bar where one of my friends bar tends on Sunday nights (the fact that I go to the bar on Sunday nights is another story for another day!) Ben was constantly complimenting me and asking to hang out so I got the idea that he liked me, but since he never said it I didn’t want to be one to assume things and make myself look like an ass. Because I have this policy, I didn’t want to tell him that I did not reciprocate his feelings toward me and that I wanted to be ‘just friends’. So earlier this week he asked me if I’d go to dinner with him and being the awkward person that I am, said yes, but planned to just have him come hang out with the rest of my friends when the time came. He ended up coming over Thursday night because we had a few girl friends over to watch tv and gossip and one of my guy friends (who knows Ben) joined us later on in the night which was perfect for me to avoid being alone with Ben. My plan was going smoothly, until about 2am when my guy friend went home and Ben did not follow. This left me and him alone because I was still up doing homework and couldn’t escape to my bed right away. When I was done with my homework I tried to quickly clean up and get to bed as soon as possible but he pulled me on top of him and basically forced a make out sess upon me (not in a rapey way… just not what I wanted). After a few minutes of trying to convince him to stop hugging and kissing me and telling him to leave, he reluctantly left, but also not before asking to sleep over… that was a clear no.

So Friday came around (yesterday) and he texted me somewhere around mid-afternoon and I gave him plain answers and there was a silence between us for a couple of hours. He texted later in the night to ask where I was going and what my plan was so I told him I’d be at the bar we go to across the street from school because he’d probably show up there anyways and at least at the bar there would be witnesses. I ran into my old RA and spent some time talking to him while Ben stared creepily across the bar without coming over like a normal person would. He kept asking my friends if he had done something wrong, and he had. I wouldn’t expect my friends to get in the middle of this, so I’m glad they didn’t tell them I was angry that he basically gave me no choice but to kiss him, but what made me mad was that he asked everyone except me. I would hope that if someone had feelings for me they’d see I was upset or acting weird and come up to me and talk. He did not do this. He also waited until I left the bar and at about 2:30 this morning he texted me asking if he did something wrong. I had no choice but to tell him the truth, that I do not have feelings for him the way he has feelings for me and I did it as nicely as possible because he has been nice to me and up until our kiss I had no problems with him except that I did not think of him as more than a friend. Maybe I should have said something sooner, but I also wasn’t leading him on. I purposely didn’t go on a date with him because I knew it would give him the wrong idea, but you also shouldn’t force someone to kiss you, especially if they’re giving no indication that they want to kiss you. Anyways, after I sent this nicely worded let down text, I got no answer. Today when I woke up I had no answer. As I sit here, I still have no answer. I mean I guess I wouldn’t have much to say if someone as great as me broke my heart (ha! I’m kidding) but it would be nice of him to respond saying okay I understand thank you for telling me the truth. The point to the story: ladies always tell the truth right away if you don’t like someone, and men, don’t force girls to kiss you and then stare at them at the bar while they talk to their friends.

What’s most important

Something happened last week with a friend of mine, and I can’t go into details about it but it has me thinking. Sometimes I don’t stop and think about what’s important in my life and how lucky I am to have the people I have and the love and support they provide me. My friend is going through a really hard time right now and it just made me thankful for her and all of my other friends I have made here at school and my best friends at home who I love so so much. The reality that everyone has their own struggles and battles they fight every day hit me hard in the last few days and I am just trying to take time to stop and think about all of the things that I have to live for and all of the people that are here to support me and love me no matter what steps or missteps I take in life. I challenge everyone to do the same over the next few days and I hope it’ll really put things into perspective for you like it did for me. Remember…. you’re beautiful and this life is beautiful. XOXO.

Senior year: week 3

This week is going to be my third week of my senior year and all I can say is so far, so good.Last year I had some roommate drama and ended up moving out of my previous house and into this new one with two girls I am on dance team with. So far I can already tell that I am much happier than I was last year combined and senior year is off to a good start. This weekend we had a football game against our “cross town rival” school and we actually won, to everyone’s surprise so I was excited. Saturday there was a senior BBQ so we stopped by for some free food and a mini golf course. We’ve obviously been drinking a lot… because hello! it’s senior year! I already have some random creeper stories of guys hitting on me in the weirdest ways you can possibly think of.. and my guy friends have a friend who has a random fascination/ crush on me. Dance team and my work study start this week and I am excited and nervous to get back into the swing of actually being busy throughout the year. I just wanted to share because I would like to keep my blog updated this year, and also because compared to last year, I am much happier and am enjoying being here instead of being home every weekend wasting my year away. I’m going to add some pictures from this year so far, even though most of them are “wall of shame” worthy… which is actually going to be going up in our house soon! I’m really excited to see what this year has in store and so far it’s up their in the top rankings as best year yet.


Ice Bucket Challenge for ALS

So I’m sure a lot of you have heard of the Ice Bucket challenge to raise money and awareness for ALS, but if not you can watch the video here. I got challenged last night by a friend from school and made a video tonight (because I hadn’t been on facebook until today). I would like to share the video with you guys and hopefully I can help raise awareness through my small foundation of readers. I have also chosen to donate along with the ice bucket challenge and I have a link to the ALS Association so you can donate too if you’re up for the challenge!


see my video here!

and you can donate to ALS right here :)