A letter to my “not boyfriend”

We’ve been spending a lot of time together, and I just wanted to start by saying thank you. Thank you for making me feel special, and like I’m the only girl in the room when you look at me. I have never felt this way with any other guy and for that, I must be grateful. It seems that you’re perfect; perfect for me, perfect in general. You hold my hand in the car, tell me that I’m pretty when I’m hating on my looks, and most importantly, you make me laugh. Getting to see you is the highlight of a usually boring day, even if we only get to grab a quick lunch in between my classes, but I still enjoy every second. I like hanging out with you. I like that you embarrass me in public and tell everyone you’re married. I like forgetting that there are people around when I talk to you. I like almost everything about you, except that you aren’t all mine. Selfish, I know but I guess it’s a compliment. I want people to know.

I also wanted to say that I realize you’re not my boyfriend. When I think about you hanging out with other girls the inside of my stomach turns and I can’t stand it. When we don’t talk for a day or two my mind starts racing and I think that you’re going to start ignoring me any day and I will once again be without you. It’s not so much that I can’t be without you, because I can. But now that I’ve gotten to know you, I think my world is a little brighter and I don’t want to be without you. The fact that this not relationship isn’t defined kills me and the selfish part of me want you all to myself. I know you’ve told me that if it happens with me you will be open to it, but how do I know? Being with someone who is “afraid of relationships” because of something that happened in the past is hard, but I have some bruises from the past too. I still find it hard you trust you because of things that you didn’t even do, and for that I am sorry. I’d like us to trust each other and be in the same place, but my biggest fear is that will never happen. My biggest hope is that someday we will both get over whatever these feelings are and can trust… hopefully trust each other. Thinking about losing someone that makes me laugh and feel so good about myself is hard, but it’s the reality I face because… you’re not my boyfriend. While dating you is fun and exciting, it’s not a guarantee and I can’t lie, that scares me. I’m hoping for the best and that you find that there’s no place else you need to look, but I understand if things don’t work out in the future. I’ll cry.. a lot. and I probably won’t get out of bed for a few days, but I’ll be okay. I try to think positively though, because the way you treat me is like nothing I’ve ever had before and I’m so glad that you see things in me that I don’t see in myself.

But if the day comes and it’s not longer me you want, I hope you can find this trust with a nice, funny girl, who will get your humor and try not to laugh when you convince strangers that you’re married and trying to take her home too. I hope that someday you are no longer my “not boyfriend” and I can call you my best friend.

I’m seeing more than one person

Obviously a big part of being single is dating and seeing what’s out there so you can meet someone who you can potentially start a real relationship with. I’ve been doing just that.. weighing my options. So I guess I’ll start by saying, I started off this summer with the mind set that if opportunity presented itself, I would take it. I had a school girl crush on someone I had met in college but that fell apart and now we’re two hours away so I just let the dating road take me where it wanted. I went on a date at the very beginning of the summer with someone who I had hooked up with before spring break and even though I already knew him (in more ways than one) it was kind of awkward and I knew he only did it because he was trying to see like the nice guy who wasn’t using me, but he totally was. So needless to say, we never went on another date, even though I did continue to hook up with him off and on all summer. I also went on like one and a half dates with a guy I met on okcupid who lives in my town, but went to another high school so we never actually went to school together. He’s really sweet and I think he was really into me for some reason, but I don’t think we have enough in common for it to work in the long term. The hardest part is that I’m trying not to lead him on, but we don’t talk much these days because we’re both pretty busy. I also started a new job in June and ever since I’ve been hit on and all that a few times. I gave someone my number and we texted back and forth for a while, but he never followed through with plans and then we stopped talking so I sort of just let it go. Someone else messaged me on facebook around that time and he was seeing someone else and I didn’t want to get involved so I let him down gently and we were friendly at work and all that for a while. Then he ended things with the other girl and things were at a halt with the other guy I was texting so we started to talk more and more a few weeks ago and he asked for my number. We’ve talked just about every day for the last two weeks and this past Tuesday we got dinner and talked for over two hours after. We’re meeting up tonight with some friends out in Boston and I can’t wait to see him. I guess my point is that you don’t need to settle as soon as someone shows you attention and it’s okay to weigh your options and see what happens. I used to freak out is someone took me out and get super attached but lately I’ve been trying to take it in strides and step back so I can see what I need in my life, not just who I need in my life. xoxo Erica

Hey guys!

Just wanted to say hi and give a quick update about things going on here, and I’ve been writing down ideas for blogs all summer so after this I’m hoping to jump back into ‘single girl problem’ blogs again! I just got a computer today so I’m hoping to start writing more often than I was, which was basically never, so I’m sorry about that if you actually like reading what I have to say.

Just a quick update on me though, I’ll be starting grad school in the fall (like two weeks from now) and I’ve been working at a behavioral school this entire summer and it’s interesting to say the least. But with that being said, there’s some stuff I’ll be writing about later having to do with some male co workers of mine.. but more on that later. Can’t wait to get you guys some new blogs soon! xoxo

To the boy that didn’t get away, but ran away

From the moment I met you I knew you were someone I wanted to know more about and spend more time with. When Sean made you ask me for my number I could instantly tell you were as awkward as me and I loved that about you and I loved that you asked too. What really got me was the text you sent after leaving my house that same night telling me that you were pleased to meet me and that we should hang out again. It didn’t take too long before we were texting everyday and I was falling for you, hard. I’d drop your name every chance I got when I was with my friends and you really seemed to be into me too, cause driving 30 minutes to a bar you can only stay at for one drink doesn’t scream “you’re annoying” to me. You also texted me that night right after you left to tell me I was “too pretty” and that really made me feel like you cared. Then came the ugly sweater party and obviously you showed up to see me why else would you go to a college party? We ended up kissing for the first time after every one left and I’ve never felt something so right on my life. Shortly after that I was leaving for the holidays and we got lunch of course and I wanted to see you every day that week but you were too busy. Slowly we stopped talking every day and then we stopped talking at all. After my birthday there was little to no conversations and I slowly stopped trying. Only when I least expect it do you text and snap chat me. Just when I think I can forget someone who once was so sweet and someone I thought could turn into a boyfriend somewhere down the road. You make me laugh and smile and you give me the butterflies for no good reason. But somewhere along the lines you decided that I wasn’t worth the effort anymore. And maybe you realized we’d be separated by 2 hours after I graduated and didn’t want to get attached, but you didn’t consider that I kinda already was. I liked you. When I look back on the time we talked, I can’t put my finger on one specific thing I did to make you leave. I can’t think of anything about our conversations that would have scared you off. You didn’t get away from me, you ran away from me and just when I least expect it, you jog back to see my reaction. I’ll tell you that if you ever wanted to meet up, I’d do it because I think the connection we had was natural and real and I haven’t found that in many other guys. I do hope some day you find someone you can stop running for, even if I wasn’t given a fair shot at that chance. 


Spring break, grad school and comencement…. oh my!

I’ve been a little behind on blogging lately but life has been crazy. In March I went on a cruise with three of my girl friends for spring break and it was the best week of my life. Friday morning bright and early we got up and caught our flight to Miami where we stayed the night so we could be warm for one extra day and not have to worry about traveling the day of embarkation. So we got on the boat nice and early on Saturday afternoon which was nice because we could relax and getting on was nice and quick, which I liked. We spent the day drinking (obviously) and meeting new people and to be honest I couldn’t tell you exactly what else we did. Sunday was a day at sea so we sat in the sun (I sat in the shade) for the day and relaxed. Monday we were in Cozumel where we did a tequila tasting at Jose Cuervo where we were drinking margaritas by 9:30 am Mexico time! That night was interesting to say the least. Tuesday we were in Belize where we took an hour and a half bus ride where our guide gave us facts about Belize while we drove. Once to our excursion spot, we hiked a little to a river and to a cave where we did cave tubing and then we got out and went zip lining which was really fun.  Wednesday we were in Honduras where we were taken to a private beach and we rode horses and then got to enjoy the beach for two hours. It was overcast but we enjoyed taking pictures. We were taken back to the main beach because the boat left late that night so we had several hours to enjoy the excitement of that. We ran into a group of guys we had met the day before so we hung out in the water with them until it was time to get back on the boat and get ready for dinner. Thursday we were in Costa Maya Mexico where we did our touristy shopping and hung out by Senor Frogs for the day. Friday was a day at sea and then we were sadly back home Saturday night but I had the best week ever and we were all really sad to have to go :(

On a less fun note, I am still in the process (I know I’m late) of applying to graduate schools and getting a start on my life as a big girl. I got a call about training for a job in my field that I interviewed for, so I’m assuming I got it, but they didn’t formally offer me the position. I’m going to try to work another job too for extra money so I’m working on that too, I also went to go pick up my cap and gown and graduation today and we filled out a thousand surveys and I’m officially sad. I can remember so clearly my first day of college where they sat us all down and gave us a cap to represent our time at my school and told us that before we knew it we’d graduating and I really had no idea how fast that time would come. Now it’s here and I cannot believe that I am going to be a college graduate. Time moves so fast and I’m trying to take advantage of these last months as we make our transition into adulthood slowly. This semester has gone by pretty quickly and I can’t believe it! More senior stuff soon, formal is Friday night so I’ll try to post pictures and write a little bit about that too, until then xoxo Erica

Why are you single?

I constantly have people ask me why I’m single. Not only just people, but men. A guy will ask “you’re smart, funny and attractive, so why are you single?” The problem is… I have no clue why. In my own eyes, I am smart and I have been told by almost everyone I’ve ever come into contact with that I’m funny as well and I never seem to have a problem with keeping and being around my guy friends. I personally like to be around guys almost more than I like to be around my girl friends because guys are just much simpler and laid back sometimes. For some reason though, when I’m flirting with a guy it never lasts longer than a few months max. They’ll tell me nice things, and show up once or twice to hang out and meet my friends, and then all of a sudden they’re gone with no explanation. I have never had an honest to goodness relationship before so I couldn’t tell you what type of girlfriend I am, but I can tell you what kind of girl I am, and what kind of girlfriend I would be. I’m laid back and it takes a lot to make me mad most of the time. I don’t pick fights to start drama, or follow you to the bar to make sure it actually is a “guy’s night”. All I really want from a guy is a best friend. I want a guy to be there for me and share all of his secrets with me and listen to what I have to say at the end of the day and hold my hand through it. When I see my friend’s relationships, I’m not jealous that they have someone and I don’t and I’m happy for them, but I just want what some of them have. I want to know why guys can ask me over and over why I’m single because I’m great and this and that, but not one guy that I’ve talked to and showed an interest in sticks around long enough to find out that I’m a good person and worth their time. I get written off over and over and I don’t know why. I don’t understand how someone can go from telling you how beautiful you are one day and texting you just to say hi for a month straight, and then all of a sudden they’ve lost interest and you are no longer someone they care to go out of their way for. So this, ladies and especially gentlemen… is why I’m single and probably why I’ll be single for the foreseeable future.

Best thing I never had

Hey everyone! It’s been so long and I’ve been trying to come up with some interesting ideas to talk about for you. This post is more of a personal venting one, so bare with me until I can get my creative juices flowing. I’ve written about my friend Dave in the past who I used to hook up with last year. And he has a girlfriend, which I’ve also written about, and I’m friends with her and she’s a really nice girl. Sunday night I went with a friend to this small bar near my college because she sings and plays guitar with some friends in a small group, so I went because my roommates were home for the weekend. Dave was there with his girlfriend and we were chatting about all of our senior events that we have coming up and buying dresses for senior formal… ya know, casual. He came up to the table and actually mouthed at me “she can’t know, she likes you guys.” That hurt me so much because even though he’s keeping it a secret from his girlfriend that we have a past, I have been respectful of his wishes and haven’t said a word. My main issue with it is, when we’re around each other when he’s drinking he’ll spend the whole night talking about how he still has feelings for me and all this other stuff. So again, I’m left feeling like the second or third best because he told me over and over that he didn’t want a relationship and now he’s in one. Even though he’s said he doesn’t want one, it still leaves me thinking “it could have been me.” At this point, I’m glad it’s not because of the things he’s done to her concerning me…

And I also was talking to (flirting with, texting, obsessing over) this guy Nate who my friend Sean introduced me to before Thanksgiving and before I went home for Winter Break we were talking almost every day. Now that I’m back he hasn’t texted me or made an effort to see me once, and I keep asking to make plans. I stopped reaching out to him because I was hoping he’d realize I was missing and make an effort to see me (NOPE.). I can’t stop thinking about him because he made me laugh and I really liked being around him and now I’m wondering if I did something wrong, or if there’s another girl he likes better and he doesn’t want to admit it. Either way, it’s shitty and I really wish I could get over it but I’m the type of person that dwells on these things until I get a definitive answer which I plan to do this weekend so I can finally get over him. He told me he would like to see me when I asked but never followed up and made comments about us not seeing each other when I said happy birthday so the signals are definitely mixed here. Which definitely makes for an interesting Valentines Day weekend… ha ha! Had to just get that mini rant off my chest, I promise I’ll have something better to say next time… Until then xoxox happy Valentines Day


Since yesterday was Thanksgiving, I was doing some thinking about the people and things I’m thankful for this year even though I’m thankful everyday. First of all, I’m thankful for my parents and all of their support through my life. They have always been the most supportive people I know and they just want me to do the best I can do and be happy with the choices I make and the directions I go and that’s all I can ask. I’m happy they continue to support me every now and then when it comes to being away at school and not being able to afford everything on my own, because it’s such a generous thing for them to do for me even when I live on my own at school. I’m also happy for their good health, because last year we found out my mom had breast cancer and she has beat it, and also spent time in the hospital this summer and had surgery on her colon and I’m grateful that today she is doing well and her health seems to be in a better spot now. I could also not be thankful enough for my friends because they are the best I could ask for. Most of my friends from home have been my friend since elementary and middle school and that in itself is something to be happy about, but I am also happy that my friendships with them today are still strong and we always pick up where we left off, even if I don’t talk to them for days or weeks at a time. My friends I have made away at school are also the best because I have gotten so close to them since last year when I had a bad experience with roommate drama and they gave me a place to go when I felt uncomfortable being in my own house. I have also made so many new friendships within the last year with people I now call some of my best friends. The friends I have from my freshman year of college are still some of the best friends I have made during my college career and I’m so happy I have kept in touch with them despite what happened with my roommates last year. This time of the year I especially like to stop and think about the things I have in my life to be happy about because this is when people start asking for gifts and forgetting what’s important, myself included. Not only that, but it’s a good time to reflect on the year I have had, and I think so far 2014 may have been one of the best years of my life, despite all of the drama I went through last semester, it taught me important lessons about life and friendships and how to be a more positive person. I hope going in to 2015 is just as successful, and I wish everyone a happy holiday and an even happier new year. Feel free to tell me what you’re thankful for! <3


Since I’ve decided to focus my energy on things other than men I’m going to try to read more while I’m here at school. Here is my list of books I’d like to read. Comment with books you’ve read or that are on your list so I can add to mine :)

  • Are you there vodka, it’s me Chelsea- Chelsea Handler
  • Chelsea Handler- Uganda be kidding me
  • Bossy pants -Tina Fey
  • Beautiful Ruins- Jess Walter
  • Then came you -Jennifer Weiner
  • My week with Marilyn
  • 50 Shades (second and third books)
  • An astronauts guide to life on earth
  • Cassidy Lane – Maria Murnane
  • Angel – Mary Kingsley
  • Brooklyn- Colm Toibin
  • The light between oceans- M.L Stedman
  • Where’d you go, Bernadette? -Maria Semple
  • Nineteen minutes- Jodi Picoult
  • Leaving time- Jodi Picoult
  • Goldfinch- Donna Tartt

Creepy guys

I’ve personally had my share of creepy/ strange gentlemen callers in my day with very little to be said about the type of guy that shows affection in a normal way. Most of the time when someone “likes” me they are really pretending to see how long it takes them to get in my pants before they have to stop being nice to me. With that being said, I’ve had this guy Ben texting me for the last three weeks or so since we sat next to each other at the bar where one of my friends bar tends on Sunday nights (the fact that I go to the bar on Sunday nights is another story for another day!) Ben was constantly complimenting me and asking to hang out so I got the idea that he liked me, but since he never said it I didn’t want to be one to assume things and make myself look like an ass. Because I have this policy, I didn’t want to tell him that I did not reciprocate his feelings toward me and that I wanted to be ‘just friends’. So earlier this week he asked me if I’d go to dinner with him and being the awkward person that I am, said yes, but planned to just have him come hang out with the rest of my friends when the time came. He ended up coming over Thursday night because we had a few girl friends over to watch tv and gossip and one of my guy friends (who knows Ben) joined us later on in the night which was perfect for me to avoid being alone with Ben. My plan was going smoothly, until about 2am when my guy friend went home and Ben did not follow. This left me and him alone because I was still up doing homework and couldn’t escape to my bed right away. When I was done with my homework I tried to quickly clean up and get to bed as soon as possible but he pulled me on top of him and basically forced a make out sess upon me (not in a rapey way… just not what I wanted). After a few minutes of trying to convince him to stop hugging and kissing me and telling him to leave, he reluctantly left, but also not before asking to sleep over… that was a clear no.

So Friday came around (yesterday) and he texted me somewhere around mid-afternoon and I gave him plain answers and there was a silence between us for a couple of hours. He texted later in the night to ask where I was going and what my plan was so I told him I’d be at the bar we go to across the street from school because he’d probably show up there anyways and at least at the bar there would be witnesses. I ran into my old RA and spent some time talking to him while Ben stared creepily across the bar without coming over like a normal person would. He kept asking my friends if he had done something wrong, and he had. I wouldn’t expect my friends to get in the middle of this, so I’m glad they didn’t tell them I was angry that he basically gave me no choice but to kiss him, but what made me mad was that he asked everyone except me. I would hope that if someone had feelings for me they’d see I was upset or acting weird and come up to me and talk. He did not do this. He also waited until I left the bar and at about 2:30 this morning he texted me asking if he did something wrong. I had no choice but to tell him the truth, that I do not have feelings for him the way he has feelings for me and I did it as nicely as possible because he has been nice to me and up until our kiss I had no problems with him except that I did not think of him as more than a friend. Maybe I should have said something sooner, but I also wasn’t leading him on. I purposely didn’t go on a date with him because I knew it would give him the wrong idea, but you also shouldn’t force someone to kiss you, especially if they’re giving no indication that they want to kiss you. Anyways, after I sent this nicely worded let down text, I got no answer. Today when I woke up I had no answer. As I sit here, I still have no answer. I mean I guess I wouldn’t have much to say if someone as great as me broke my heart (ha! I’m kidding) but it would be nice of him to respond saying okay I understand thank you for telling me the truth. The point to the story: ladies always tell the truth right away if you don’t like someone, and men, don’t force girls to kiss you and then stare at them at the bar while they talk to their friends.