A Sex and the City epiphany

   I wrote this blog post a few months ago on another blog page and have decided to update and repost here because it unfortunately has become relevant again and this problem is a reoccurring one in my life.

    As I was sitting in class a few months ago kinda-sorta listening to my professor talk about the planets and how long they take to revolve around the sun, I realized I was in the midst of a Carrie Bradshaw moment minus the expensive shoes and perfectly scripted friends. I have surrounded myself with men in the last few months, who seem so sweet and caring and just when I start to think he could be my next boyfriend… Boom! So without further introduction, my unfortunate epiphany.

   This little moment of truth that I discovered caused me to think, why do guys think it’s okay to just stop talking to someone when they decide they don’t like them anymore? And why do they think that I don’t deserve an explanation or apology? But my year continues to follow this pattern:

    To begin first semester of my junior year I had been texting a guy who I knew from back home who was friends with my ex. Sticky I know. But it was unplanned and we hit it off, so I decided to go for it. Things were going great between us and I started to go home almost every weekend because of a feud with my house mates, so we started hanging out more and more. When we finally kissed for the first time I was on cloud nine and I was never planning to come back. At the end of November we went on the cutest date ever to a little theme park in my town and we walked around, flirted and kissed all night. We walked up to this gazebo on a hill overlooking part of the park and he just kissed me and I think that was the most romantic moment of my life, I’ll never forget that. But obviously around Christmas time things took a turn for the worst. We met up on Christmas at night after I had worked and he spent the day with his family and he came to a friend’s family party with me and it was great. We ended up back at his house and we ya know, hooked up.. but I told him I wasn’t ready to have sex with him yet, and I thought he took it well but I think I was wrong. The next day we ended up getting in a huge fight and he said some really mean things and we’ve only talked once since and I never got an apology. I got over it eventually, but I still miss him some times, but I also think I miss what we had, and what I thought he represented.

   So fast forward about a month after that. I’d been “talking” (I really hate saying that but…) to a guy I met on tinder who lives near me at home, and I’m two hours away at school so we hadn’t actually gone out yet. We had plans a couple different times which he ended up ditching me for every single time, including our post valentines day date (he got mad I wouldn’t go out with him on Valentine’s Day…too cliché for me). Finally he started to ignore me for a few days straight after begging me to give him another chance and to stick around because he liked me a lot and it would be worth it. Sure buddy.
  

   The entire time I was texting him he kept fighting with me because of my friend Dave and he thought Dave wanted to hook up with me even though I did not return the feelings even if that was how Dave was feeling. After things ended with him I actually did end up hooking up with Dave a few times and no one in my friend group knows for many reasons. I left college for the summer in May and he told me any time I was back up to visit to let him know so we could get it on. So romantic, but whatever. Then a few weeks later my friend informs me that she had sex with Dave after a bar escaped while visiting for the weekend. When I confronted him about it, he said it was going to be okay because no one knows about him and I so it should just be fine.

    Okay. I eventually start forgetting about Dave hooking up with my friend. My friends and I go out in Boston, which I’ve written about and surprise, surprise I meet a new guy. Chris. We spent about three weeks texting and talking about hanging out before it actually happened. He drove down here because he’s about two hours away and we went out for drinks. It went well (I thought) and the conversation never once came to a screeching awkward halt. He was charming, cute and most importantly, tall. He pulls into my drive way and there’s an awkward hug/kiss/neither one and I said something witty and walked back into my house. He texted me to tell me he was home safe because I made him and then, I never hear from him again. Two ignored texts later and I give up and I officially deleted his number and have started to hate him and wish a nasty STD upon him.

    So anyways getting back to my point, I’m sitting in class that day and I remember the episode of SATC where Carrie bitches out Berger’s friend in a club because she got broken up with via post-it note. And here I am, finding myself in almost the same boat. Except I didn’t even get a post-it, phone call or text message… I just get ignored every time. No apologies where deserved, no goodbye, no explanations… nothing. Every time I tell myself I deserve better, and every time I don’t get it no matter how hard I try. But really the better I deserve isn’t even justice through a text, what I deserve is someone who would jump over the moon for me twice if I needed him to because I would do that for someone I cared about. Getting ignored for no visible reason is a thing of the past I hope and maybe I’ll start going for guys that care more than not answering me after the first date, or in Carrie’s case, breaking up with her via post-it note. There’s a right way to break it off with someone and so far I haven’t met one guy that knows that that is.

It’s not his loss

If I can speak for most of the single girls on the planet, which I personally think I can… I’d like to just speak for all of us when I say… I HATE when people say “it’s his loss” after someone dumps you or stops answering you randomly.

    I’ll admit that this does happen to me frequently, and almost every time it happens I have one of my friends that are happy in a relationship texting me saying “it’s his loss, you’re smart, funny and beautiful and he doesn’t know what he’s missing.” Well here’s a thought. If it was his loss, and I was all of those things, why would he stop talking to me in the first place? I mean “his loss” would be if I stopped talking to him randomly and he spent days trying to figure out what HE did wrong, not the opposite.

   It’s not his loss because I’m the one laying in bed at night wondering what happened during the date that made him never want to speak to me again, or what I said to make him think I’m a complete weirdo. I mean I guess it could be his loss, because in my opinion I would make a pretty good girlfriend, or even just a good girl to take on a second date. How do you even know you hate me that much just by going on one date? I guess in that way it is his loss, but in every other aspect, I believe it is mine. You’d think that someone that all of my friends think is at a loss because they no longer have me in their life would want to keep me in their life… that makes sense, right?

    It’s my loss (this time) because I spent about 4 hours on a Friday night with someone who clearly is not interested, and couldn’t eat for about three days because I was so nervous before the date, and then so upset after that my eating habits took a dive for the worst, and those closest to me know that food is my first love. It’s also my loss because I thought once again that he could be different or the one, and it’s definitely my loss because I believed him when he said  that he was a nice guy and not one of the normal douche bags I normally waste time on. Normally when they say that, you can assume they’re the biggest douche you know, but thats a blog for another day. So I guess what I’m really trying to say here, long story short… to all you friends out there, that have found the sweetest guy out there with friends that chronically like assholes like it’s their job.. please never use the phrase “it’s his loss” because if that were true, we’d all be going on second dates.

Dear you

Dear you,

Yes, you. The boy who stole my heart away without even realizing it. You, the one who promised me the world on a silver platter and then some. Not to mention, the person who told me that he ‘wasn’t like every other guy’ and that he was ‘different and would prove me wrong.’ I could count the times where I was told the truth by a man on probably less than one hand, unfortunately, and to think that you were different was silly. Sure  some girls get their fairy tales and happy ever afters, but that’s not how things ended with you. Just because you know the right things to say to a girl and the right times to say them, doesn’t mean you should. Some of us try very hard not to fall for the sweet things you say, the cute plans and promises you make for the future and the late night phone calls, but it does not simply work 100% of the time. Us girls can put up as many walls as we want, but there will always be someone who can break them down or climb over them and in the end, he just leaves like everyone else. Or you, who “doesn’t want a relationship” and “wants to keep things casual” because he’s not at the right place in his life where he can “give you the attention you deserve”… I call bullshit. The reason you don’t want to put a label on it is so you can do the same thing to every girl in a 10 mile radius. Well shame on you, because that girl you’re messing with deserves your undivided attention and if you can only give that to her while you’re naked then you need to set her free so she can find a guy that will give her what she deserves. And because you’re writing her off as just a casual hookup you’re probably missing out on the several qualities that would make her a great girlfriend who you could actually take on dates and see in the sunlight. Point being, that you, the casual dater, or you the friend with benefits… or even you… the sweet talking player are missing out on a great girl. Instead of taking the time to make her trust you and then back out and snapstory pictures of your new girlfriend for her to see, why don’t you give her a chance before breaking down her walls and then stepping all over the broken pieces of it. Think about that.

Sincerely yours,

The Single Girls of America.

He’s just not that into you?

As we see in story books and Disney movies as children, rom-coms as young adults and in our friends lives as we leave our 20’s and enter the forbidden world of being 30, love stories are all around us. As the story goes, boy meets girl, girl doesn’t like boy at first, boy wins her over and saves the day and proposes and the happy couple ride off into the sunset. But we know that never happens to us, just to our friends and family and we attend the wedding reluctantly and sit at the kids table with your younger cousins because you couldn’t get a date. What really happens is we meet a guy at the bar, hit it off, or so we think(?) and he may or may not ask for your number before last call and you may or may not hear from him again after you step out the door. If you are lucky enough for the cute boy you hit it off with to ask for your number, you spend the next few days waiting for him to text you first and when he does finally text it’s short and awkward and he makes you provide topics to keep conversation flowing. If he happens to have a full time job (personal experience) you spend the entire day hoping that every “ding!” of a text is him and when it’s your mom you get super disappointed. I don’t get it personally. I mean if you kiss a stranger in a bar and leave with his number and the possibility of a date in the future what do you have to keep waiting around for him to actually make plans, or even text you for longer than ten minutes.
I’ve been actually texting a guy off and on that I met at the bar last weekend and it seems to me that A) he works a lot and doesn’t have much time to text B) he ignores my texts all day until he has no one better to talk to C) he’s not REALLY interested or D) he has a girlfriend. Now why should I be sitting here questioning myself worth over a man that doesn’t even know anything about me? I think it’s time that we stop waiting for the perfect fairy tale to occur every time we meet someone new and face the fact that not every guy you meet is going to be your next Prince Charming.  When the time comes, hopefully he won’t be the one to make you wait around for a text all day, but instead will be the one wanting to hang out with you as soon as possible to get to know you in person! The fairy tale ends here, ladies, and now we need to date with a sense of reality because unfortunately, we are not Cinderella.